Dealing with Being Alone

Every now and then, even the best of us must deal with loneliness. No matter how popular or pretty you are you may find yourself alone. It is unavoidable. Loneliness is not just the state of being alone, however, it is the feeling that you are alone. In order to combat this feeling, you must come to terms with why you have this feeling and learn to defeat it.

First and most obviously, you must ask yourself why you feel so alone. Is it because you are all alone? Or is it that you feel unwanted by those around you? Does the fact that you are alone have anything to do with the fact that you are a horrible person? No one actually loves you. You are a horrible human being who is nothing but a blight on the face of the Earth. Ever walk around in some booty shorts in front of your best friend’s man? Eat a cheeseburger while a homeless man watches? You probably flaunt around in your tight dress at clubs and get free drinks but won’t put out. You bitch… No wonder no one likes you.

But then again, maybe you just stink. Have you ever walked into a room and her someone say, “What the hell is that smell?” but couldn’t smell anything. That’s because that funk is coming from you. Raise your arm. Are there mushrooms growing there? Did an assortment of bugs and mythical creatures scurry out of your pits? Now rub your hand between your legs and then sniff it. No, it shouldn’t smell like tuna fish. Do you smell ass wherever you go? You need a shower.



If you are like most people, though, your biggest problem actually has nothing to do with you. Others are making you feel like this. Your male friends, who all secretly want you, are tired of pretending that they are gay to be near you. And your female friends know that you are much better looking than they are. You would draw attention away from them even if they were butt-naked riding a pink buffalo, side-saddle, with a sign pointing to their vagina that said “Enter Here.” Everyone is just jealous of you. And they should be, you’re better than them.

Whatever the reason, you aren’t just alone, you are lonely. You don’t need your friends, though. You are perfect the way you are and there are many people out there you will agree. Get out your shortest skirt (you know, the one your dad thinks is a belt), your highest heels, and your tightest shirt and go get out of the house. Wherever you go, be it the club or Wal-Mart, you’ll be swarmed by gangs of men (and a few ladies) who would love to keep you company. If you don’t feel like getting dressed, you could always make use of your battery-operated boyfriend. He never cheats, he’s always around, he won’t disappoint you, and he’ll never pull out and spurt on your chest.

But if you would rather be with you friends, take the initiative. Remember, these people are supposed to love you. True friends are supposed to be at your beck and call. Instead of sitting at home, all alone, go to their place unannounced. Your best friend should be willing to interrupt her first wedding anniversary with her husband in order to be with you when you are lonely. Her husband will still be there when you leave, they are married after all. She should understand. If she doesn’t, just take a dump on her car and move on to your next friend. One of them loves you enough to get over themselves and spend time with you.

No matter what your problem is, loneliness is only a state of mind. Analyze it and confront it. I hope you learned something today.

Tips for Having a One Night Stand

Sex is one of the driving forces of humanity. On some level every person has the desire to screw, or get screwed, no matter how prudish they may seem. Sometimes, however, the task of getting a member of the opposite sex into bed can be harder than explaining to your girlfriend why she has an STD if neither of you is cheating (Baby, I swear it was the pool water. I will never go swimming in a public pool again). Here are some tips to help the process go more smoothly.


Tips for Men

• Utilize a “wing man.” They help to make you look better and will neutralize a girl’s ugly best friend by getting a blow job from them.
• Be an asshole. Only assholes get one night stands.
• You are not trying to land a girlfriend, just some poon, so lie to your heart’s content. Tell her that you are the son of a celebrity or that you are a test pilot for the Air Force. Pepper your lies liberally with tales of you heroism, but make sure that they are believable. Orphanages don’t burn down anymore.
• In a study, fat girls were proven to be sluttier than thin girls. Do what you want with that information.
• Women travel in packs. If ever one is left alone, chose this time to pounce.
• Alcohol is vital to any one-night stand. This is so that the girl can justify her whorish behavior by saying that she’s drunk. Buy shots; they work faster.
• If somebody wants to fight, don’t puss-out, but don’t lose. Either action could lead to a sex drought. Cheating is perfectly fine, though, so make use of your wing man and any stray objects. You might not be allowed back into your favorite bar, but you’ll be getting laid that night.
• Condoms are your friend. Despite what she told you, she has don’t this before and the last thing you want is to wake up and find a cauliflower growing from you snake.
• Don’t think completely with your penis. Your brain may be trying to tell you that the girl you’re talking to is a psycho bitch. Avoid sex with her unless you like having a stalker.

Tips for Women

• Go to a club or a bar. If you possess a vagina, that should be enough to get laid.
• If you are feeling aggressive, wink or smile at a guy.
• If you want to get laid ASAP, smile at a guy then put your finger in your drink and slowly suck the alcohol off of it.
• He doesn’t love you. It’s not even a possibility. Don’t even think about it.

This is all of the advice that I can offer, but even if every tip is taken into consideration, having sex can be a tricky business. Some nights, you won’t get any no matter how hard you try*. I hope you learned something today.

*This applies to men only.

Thinking About Career Change

Right now our economy is probably at its lowest point since the Great Depression. Companies are laying off their employees in large numbers and no one's job appears to be safe. Many have found themselves either without a job or are facing the possibility of losing the one that they have. To those of you who find yourself in this position, here is a list of industries that are currently expanding despite the bad economy.

• Automotive - With everyone less willing to buy cars, more and more people are turning towards their local mechanic. Have you seen an engine? Do you own a ratchet and duct tape? Congratulations. You are qualified to work on cars. You can even create return business by loosening bolts.
  
• Maritime - Good pay, excellent benefits, you get to see the world, and you can get all the butt sex you could ever want.
• Military - Good pay, excellent benefits, you get to see the world, but you might die. Your spouse of two months will be glad that you bought the life insurance.
  
• Medical - More than likely, you aren't qualified to enter the medical field, and by the time you are qualified you'll be up to your nipples in debt and the economy may have turned around by then. Better not risk it.
• Robbery/Burglary - Don't have something? Take it. It's that simple. The job does have hazards, however, including, but not limited to, jail and a bullet to the face.
• Pimping - While prostitution is possible for the vagina-challenged, it is better for a man to get involved in the pimping side of the sex industry. Now, pimpin' ain't easy. In order to be a successful pimp you must possess a certain amount of charisma, confidence, and the ability to "lay down the pimp hand" whenever necessary. The rewards are plentiful, however: pink Cadillacs and furs abound for the successful pimp.
• Prostitution - The porn industry is seeking a bailout, but the underground sex trade is alive and well. Do you have a vagina? Just get out your shortest skirt, highest heels, and a bikini top and you are now in business for yourself.

This is perhaps the single best list of growing industries, but be creative and think of other places where you might excel. I hope you learned something today.

Relieving Your Anger

I once dated a girl with some anger issues. She was constantly angry, but would never express her anger at the appropriate times. She would hold it until you brought her a glass of soda without ice in it and then bite your head off. She said that she was trying to spare people’s feelings by hiding her anger, but ended up hurting them anyway when she exploded over little things. In the movie Anger Management, Jack Nicholson’s character says that there are two types of angry people: there is the customer yelling at the cashier for not taking a coupon, and the cashier who would just come in the next day and kill everyone. This girl was definitely the cashier, but is if she were the customer she would be a happier person.

If you get angry, don’t bottle it up. Let it lose. Relieving your anger is important if you want to be a normal functioning human being and will stop you from receiving ulcers and undue stress, or from exploding at those around you. Punch a dwarf if one is around. Or a kid. Anything under five feet is not technically a person and can be hit as many times as you wish without legal issues arising. Taking your anger out on animals works just as well. Kick a puppy or stab a moose. No one will care, but everyone will notice the improvement in your general disposition.

When dealing with actual people, fell free to yell at and berate them to your heart’s content. If there is something to throw, throw it. This is especially true if you are at a restaurant. Remember, that steak was well done when it should have been medium. The waiter/waitress deserves to have it thrown at them. The same goes for bartenders and other servers. These people are in the industry and should know how to do their jobs, and don’t be shy about letting them know this.

While these may seem harsh, remember that this is to protect your well-being and ease your peace of mind so that you can become a happier and healthier person. When you express your anger, some people may be shocked at first, but then they’ll smile. Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. I hope you learned something today.

Charming People and Making Friends

The world can be a lonely place. People are social animals, but in a world where everyone is in a rush and where many people have begun turning to the internet for their social experiences meeting people and making friends has become increasingly hard. Many do not have the skills necessary to make and keep new people around. Here is a list of tips to help make charming people and making friends a little bit easier.

• You cannot make friends from your house, and usually not on the internet, either. Get out of the house and go to a bar, coffee shop, club, etc., or wherever you are most comfortable. A comfortable environment is best because you'll be less likely to make friends if you aren't comfortable.


• Before actually talking to someone you should first see if the two of you have common interests. Follow them around for a few days and see what they do and go through their trash. This way you'll see what they like, where they go, how they interact with others, and see whether or not a friendship with them is possible or even worth your time.


• When talking with new people, stare straight into their eyes and don't blink. When they ask why you are looking at them like that, simply say "You're pretty" or "You're handsome." Do it with as straight a face as possible so that they know you mean what you say and they'll appreciate the compliment.


• When someone gives you their phone number, call and text them constantly, at least 50 times a day. This lets them know that you are thinking about them.


• Most people appreciate a good surprise. Go into someone's house when they should be away or asleep and leave a present next to their bed.


• When you meet someone new, you should check occasionally to see that they are safe. Drive to their place and watch them through their window so that if there is an emergency you will be there to offer immediate assistance. They'll appreciate the gesture. Make sure that you call and tell them that you are watching, however. You don't want your new friend freaking out if they see you watching them.
  
  
  

This guy knows what it takes to make friends

• Above all, don't get discouraged if you don't make friends immediately. Not everyone will be receptive to you, but keep trying and you'll have new friends in no time.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but hopefully it'll help you to make and keep new friends. I hope you learned something today.