Tips for Having a One Night Stand

Sex is one of the driving forces of humanity. On some level every person has the desire to screw, or get screwed, no matter how prudish they may seem. Sometimes, however, the task of getting a member of the opposite sex into bed can be harder than explaining to your girlfriend why she has an STD if neither of you is cheating (Baby, I swear it was the pool water. I will never go swimming in a public pool again). Here are some tips to help the process go more smoothly.


Tips for Men

• Utilize a “wing man.” They help to make you look better and will neutralize a girl’s ugly best friend by getting a blow job from them.
• Be an asshole. Only assholes get one night stands.
• You are not trying to land a girlfriend, just some poon, so lie to your heart’s content. Tell her that you are the son of a celebrity or that you are a test pilot for the Air Force. Pepper your lies liberally with tales of you heroism, but make sure that they are believable. Orphanages don’t burn down anymore.
• In a study, fat girls were proven to be sluttier than thin girls. Do what you want with that information.
• Women travel in packs. If ever one is left alone, chose this time to pounce.
• Alcohol is vital to any one-night stand. This is so that the girl can justify her whorish behavior by saying that she’s drunk. Buy shots; they work faster.
• If somebody wants to fight, don’t puss-out, but don’t lose. Either action could lead to a sex drought. Cheating is perfectly fine, though, so make use of your wing man and any stray objects. You might not be allowed back into your favorite bar, but you’ll be getting laid that night.
• Condoms are your friend. Despite what she told you, she has don’t this before and the last thing you want is to wake up and find a cauliflower growing from you snake.
• Don’t think completely with your penis. Your brain may be trying to tell you that the girl you’re talking to is a psycho bitch. Avoid sex with her unless you like having a stalker.

Tips for Women

• Go to a club or a bar. If you possess a vagina, that should be enough to get laid.
• If you are feeling aggressive, wink or smile at a guy.
• If you want to get laid ASAP, smile at a guy then put your finger in your drink and slowly suck the alcohol off of it.
• He doesn’t love you. It’s not even a possibility. Don’t even think about it.

This is all of the advice that I can offer, but even if every tip is taken into consideration, having sex can be a tricky business. Some nights, you won’t get any no matter how hard you try*. I hope you learned something today.

*This applies to men only.